Ok tumblr, let’s chat. It’s been a week. It’s been a really, really, really terrible week. Long story short: I told my best friend/occasional paramour that I loved him and wanted more. He reacted by cutting me off and not speaking to me and hasn’t since. It broke something in me, something vital to being me. Essentially the Jack that walked into that beautiful French restaurant last week is not the Jack writing to you now. He died. He died in a sea of broken dreams, naïveté and actual tears. I felt my own fabricated future slip through my hands and onto a dirty floor. I felt the reality of heartbreak and silence. I will always mourn what I’ve lost this week. I will mourn what we both took for granted. I will mourn the very good thing I ruined by trying to have a very great thing. I do not regret what I did. I regret nothing about the last 9 months. I will do what I have always done and persevere. I know now that I am strong beyond belief and have an army of people willing to keep me going. The sadness will one day fade and I will move on. For now I must readjust and get used to walking in this new life, full of possibility and strangeness, ripe for the conquering.
Sometimes recovery is waking up early to write in coffee shops and practicing yoga and eating lots of fruit and chocolate and sometimes it’s staying in bed all day and hiding from the world until you can stop crying. All of this is okay. What’s important is that you take care of yourself no matter what kind of day you’re having.
It’s one of those horrible, aggressive sobs. The kind that rattles your bones and contorts your muscles. It’s a no-nonsense thing that’s out to accomplish something. It breaks through your sanity and brings a release that is almost spiritual. It is thought itself breaking loose into the world. It is freedom.